BDSM for Beginners

A lot of folks have asked the staff of WildHearts how to begin bringing power play or kink into their personal bedrooms. The only realistic answer to this question is “with a lot of forethought.” Although most of us play with power occasionally, whether that's pushing your partner up against the wall to kiss her or being held down by a lover, when getting into BDSM (bondage, dominant/submissive, sadism/masochism, mistress/slave) it's important to first do your homework. A great way to do this is by reading, whether that's Pat Califa's Sensuous Magic or the handbook styled SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.

Everyone in a BDSM setting is a consenting adult, knows what she's getting into, and all steps have been taken for there to be an easy way out at any moment. The short way of saying this used to, and still is in many places, “safe, sane, and consensual.” Since it's unfair to use “sane” and somewhat inaccurate to use “safe” in the context of a lot of forms of power play, many folks are now saying that BDSM has to be “Risk Aware Consensual Kink.” As that acronym is RACK we at WildHearts are all for it. Talk out and agree on everything before doing anything and your kinky sex will be sweeter.

Since everyone needs to be able to stop the action safely at any time, a safe word is strongly advised. A safe word is your way out of any situation, as top or bottom. Some of the guides recommend “red light” for beginners, but I think we can be a little more interesting than that. A simple, easy to remember word that is long enough to be clearly heard (I recommend two syllables) and out of the realm of what might be said in your bedroom. Some really awesome examples are: pickle, apple, flower, orange, hamster, and paper.

Now for the fun stuff- how to get set up to bring BDSM into your bedroom (or local wooded area, your kitchen, your basement). It's great to start out with something soft and small, particularly if this is something you and your partner are just trying out. Restraints are fun to start with, and don't have to be expensive if you're just trying things out. Silk scarves work wonders for a lot of bondage beginners. If you're looking for more than that, or are beyond scarves, the sports cuffs are wonderful, especially with a blindfold. As a personal favorite, your guides enjoy Sportsheet's Under the Bed Harness, which expands to fit any regular sized mattress up to King and is compatible (with small bits of hardware) to any rubber or leather cuffs I've ever encountered. If you have a queen sized bed, we can offer you a play sheet, which both protects your nice sheets from the myriad of fluids and stains that come from good sex, but also easy-attach Velcro bonds. With the Under the Bed Harness or the Playsheet it becomes a game to get your lover restrained in a few seconds- something she'll be pleasantly surprised by.

If you want to use ropes there's a lot of added knowledge to have before you include another person and a lot of specific safety information to know. There is nothing like being tied up with an organic cotton rope, though. To work toward such beauty as Midori's Japanese Bondage, start with the simple knots that you can find in any girl scout camping manual or in introductory books such as Erotic Bondage Hanbook and SM 101.

If you don't want to be tied up you can still play with power and sensation, or if you want to add something to being tied up, there are lots of great sensation toys. A great way to start out is a blindfold. It drastically changes the power exchange and/or the perception of the bottom. If that seems a little scary to start with, try something out with your lover(s) and then add in a blindfold next time.

Try out sensations such as soft fur, suede, leather, scratching, cold metal, ice cubes, or heated stones against the skin. Alternate sensations like those with kissing, biting, or licking different parts of your lover's skin. If you or she particularly like nipple sensation concentrate there for a while with a snake bite kit or nipple clamps. If you get really into nipple play, clitoral pumps work wonders for nipples- they can keep them extra sensitive for half an hour or more after you've pumped them!

If you're looking for something a little more sadistic or masochistic in your bedroom there is a whole world of floggers, paddles, whips, and canes. To begin with a small flogger is your best bet. It's understandable to want to jump right in and grab that bamboo cane or cat (o'nine tails), but those take a level of skill that takes years to hone before you can safely wield them. Remember, the best way to learn how to properly spank or flog your honey is to have an experienced top show you how to. Many of us don't know how to find these Dom(mes) and must make do with the detailed descriptions from books like The New Topping Book, SM 101, Forget the Roses Send Me the Thorns, and Come Hither: A Common Sense Guide to Kinky Sex.

Wow. That's an awful lot of information. Let's make it a little more concise.

• Think about it- What turns you on? What do you think might turn you on?
• Talk about it generally- What roles you think you would be ok to try out, what books or people you have as resources.
• Research- Figure out the logistics of this first scene. What will you need to know? What will you need physically? What safety precautions do you have?
• Negotiate- lists are great for this. What do you want to experience? What do you feel open to? What are you unsure about? What do you absolutely not want to do? Then sit down with a partner (and her list) and figure out where to start.
• Set a SAFE WORD.
• Set up for a scene. Remember to include all the safety information and equipment you could possibly need. Include medications such as inhalers if any participants are asthmatic.
• Play. Make sure the top checks in with a sub periodically, particularly when the sub is tied (check circulation) or gagged.
• Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Keep your information and your kinky toys clean and all in one place. Make sure everything is properly cared for, particularly items such as sex toys and leather which may need maintenance.